I have been married a couple of years. Over the years, I have quietly observed as behavior my husband exhibited while he courted me have become magnified. Take for example his generosity and self sacrificial nature. I saw them then when I barely knew him, I see it now. How he doesn’t think twice about doing things for the kids and I at his expense, how it’s all about making us happy even if he has to bend over backwards a million times to make them happen… Anyway, this post isn’t to tell you how I got married to a good man or anything like that. No. This post is more about you, the lady who is about to make a life changing decision about marriage.
You know, at this point, with all those butterflies in your tummy, you are certain you have been found by the right one. You are so excited to be in love, at last. Maybe, you stayed single longer than you planned and now, to be found by this one person feels like the best thing in the whole wide world. You are so excited about it, so in love, that though you see some behavior you are uncomfortable with you are willing to overlook all of them and make excuses.
Stop for a minute. Stop the daydreaming, let me tell you something. I want to tell you with absolute certainty that everything you see now, everything he is now, all those things you love (and detest) are going to be amplified after you say, “I do” to him.
Is that what you want? The silent rage? The way he taunts you when you make a mistake? The lack of passion and attention? How you always have to call him after long periods of deafening silence? Each of these uncomfortable traits becoming bigger obstacles standing in the way of your happiness after you get married to him? With each flaw you make excuses for him and say, when he marries you, it’s going to change. Girl, that’s not going to go away after he marries you. Wake up. We have heard too many stories; women being victims of uncontrolled rage, infidelity, childish attitude, and of so many other things I won’t write about now.
I had someone tell me the other day that when she met her (now) husband, he was so possessive of her, she liked this about him and thought that from a passionless relationship, she was finally with a man who wanted to know where she was all the time. Against all good judgement, she went ahead and married him. She finally woke to the smell of the coffee when days after their marriage he would check her SMS, check her call logs, check her Facebook and Instagram accounts, check everything. She lost her sparkle, zipped up with chatting with her friends. Now, she’s constantly tipping on her toes as he professes how much he loves her and wants all her attention. He smothers her, won’t let her visit her friends, won’t let her do anything without him. She can’t breathe. On another level. Literally.
Another lady confessed how she thought she was getting married to a good man, then one day she found porn on his computer. He apologized. Told her it was nothing to worry about, that he had a grip on it. He didn’t get help, she waved it off telling herself that after they got married, sex with her would be so good he wouldn’t have time for porn. They moved on like it never happened. Next she knew, she was married to a man who wouldn’t even touch her. Whenever he did, he had such huge expectations, she tried to keep up but he was literally insatiable. This was not about different sex drives, he was consumed by porn. She almost ran crazy.
The stories are many, people who ignored the signs and walked into one of the worst decisions they ever made.
Somebody reading this needs to walk out of a relationship days before they say I do. Your friends and family have warned you but you won’t listen. You think they don’t wish you well. Funny to think that the people that have been by you all these decades, and loved you, suddenly hate you because they are warning you not to ignore the signs that are so obvious. You are about to get married to Mr Wrong.
I can tell you, again, with absolute certainty that while it sounds like a cliche, a broken engagement does heal faster than a broken marriage. Right now, it’s just two of you, so you can walk away much easier than when there are children between you and many shared interests. Just walk. Don’t ignore the signs. He’s shown you a tip of the iceberg, don’t try to be the hero in the movie. Don’t think you can change him after the wedding. You’ve not even successfully changed yourself, so how do you think you can change another human who’s had those habits for decades? Reach out if you need help, but don’t delay.
Walk away, and don’t look back. Today.
Update: After sending this post, I listened as a friend sympathized with someone who had just lost a family member to domestic violence. She had endured bouts of physical abuse from her excuse of a husband. Just yesterday, unable to take one more beating, she slumped, never to be seen on these shores again. Most DV victims will tell you that at some point in their relationship, they saw temporary displays of rage and little outbursts, but they explained it away, walked down the aisle and tied the knot. Stop explaining, now you have the chance. Don’t end up in a body bag. Walk away.
Ignoring the signs is a good way to end up at the wrong destination – Author Unknown