Hello, mama!

Have you ever felt any of these?
That pang of guilt when you dropped your very young child at day care/crèche or left them at home with a nanny, the feeling that you should be with your child when you’re taking a much-needed afternoon nap, that feeling of sadness after you’ve lost your cool and yelled at your child, replaying the scene over and over in your head, thinking about the feeling of shock on your little one’s face as you yelled.
Or, the feeling of guilt that you gave them quick microwave meals or fast foods instead of a warm home-made meal, or the sad feeling from not being able to go for all the school activities or feeling sloppy about not being so skilled in working with them in math, arts and crafts homework.
Well, there’s a name for those feelings; mum guilt!
Mum Guilt is real, and if you’re a mum, I’m sure you’ve felt it at some point in your motherhood journey. It creeps in quietly when you feel like you’re not doing enough, or when you start to make comparisons with other mums and it’s tough. We often hold ourselves to these impossible standards, thinking we have to get everything perfect.
Here are some common ways mum guilt shows up:

  • Not spending enough time with your children: work, errands, and business. Sometimes, it feels like 24 hours are not enough. You are out early and then you barely make it back before they go to bed. You feel like you don’t even know your children (and them you) and when you think about it deeply, mum guilt creeps in making you feel like you’re failing in your duties as a mum.
  • Not being present at their big moments: sports in school, school plays, big events, recitals. You simply are unavailable to make them. Maybe you are working two, or even three shifts. Then, they innocently tell you how every other mum was there. Enter mum guilt.
  • Processed food and daily take outs: and the media isn’t helping. You read messages and see all these posts online about the dangers of take outs and fast food. Maybe one or two of them are overweight and you wring your hands in agony thinking you’re a bad mum for not fixing up healthy salads and sugar free meals for them at home.
  • Or, you try to be present: Yes, you’re home and trying hard to be present. But, the mails keep coming in and while you pretend to be fully with them at movie night, you keep checking (and responding to) work/business emails because, well, the bills got to be paid!
  • Taking a much needed nap and shutting everyone out: Your body screams for this rest and when you take it you feel so guilty when you hear the light taps on the door or you hear the unrelenting scratching on the door by your youngest who, by the way you left safely with his dad but won’t let up since mummy must be the one to open his bottle of juice!
  • Or is it giving them more screen time than you planned to. You had read the mummy handbook before you became a mum. All 500 volumes of ’em!!! And, now you’re violating every known rule. Your 2 year old can handle an iPad with the dexterity of a 20 year old. Oh, the sheer guilt!
  • How could I forget this one? Your best friend’s house looks like a scene from Stepford wives. Every single dish washed and in place, not a speck of dust in sight, every toy put in place. And your house looks like, well, the Den of Thieves rummaged through looking for the infamous diamond. What a shame? Not.
  • Let’s not talk about the guilt from your children not getting straight A’s or their behaviour leaving a lot to be desired especially when your colleague at works brings out the sandwich and pot luck her 6 year old fixed for her and your teen daughter can’t even pour water from a jug!

Mum guilt will always try to pop up, but it doesn’t have to define you. Here are some ways you can deal with it:

  • Identify the guilt: then ask yourself, is this guilt based on actual truth or am I setting unrealistic expectations for myself?
  • Affirm yourself: remind yourself you are a great mum (because you are) even especially on hard days.
  • Let go of the concept of perfection as a mum: remind yourself every single day that your love, not perfection is what your child needs most.
  • Set your priorities and focus on what is really important: Focus on connecting with your child and making precious memories. Remember that what matters and works in the next home may not be what matters to your child.
  • Take care of yourself: this is so important. It is often said that (including in my own home. #Giggle) ‘when the queen is happy, everyone is happy.’ Hey, you need the rest, you need those naps, you need those moments when you hand over the kids to someone competent and take a nap. A well-rested joyful mum is far better than a grouchy mum. When you are tired, you’ll likely snap. And, you really don’t need that.
  • Lastly, trust God’s grace. The best of us are leaning on his grace, really. There is no universal manual as every child is different. Yes, there may be universal principles for motherhood but in meeting your specific child’s needs, you have to trust God’s grace.

Mum guilt is real. It creeps in quietly when we feel like we’re not doing enough. We hold ourselves to impossible standards, but the truth is, perfection in motherhood is a myth. You will have those moments when you do things that make you question your ability. But, guess what? Your kids don’t need a “perfect” mum; they just need you.
Mum guilt doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you care. You’re doing better than you think. One day, every little effort, every prayer you said over them, every single thing you did will come back as a huge reward. Let go of the guilt and embrace the beautiful journey of motherhood. 💕
I will like to hear from you —what’s one mum guilt you’ve struggled with? Please leave a comment.